A Message to NegativeWaves Readers:
Thanks For Nothing!

Well, I hope you jerks are happy now. The unrelenting tsunami of fan mail has demolished my editor's bamboo shack and now he wants a regular column from me. That's just fantastic. Another twenty minutes gone from my week.

And I will have you know that DeRosa does not exactly ask nicely. In fact, he has threatened to tell the entire NegaveWaves staff, who have been tirelessly working for free for several years, about the four dollars per word that he has been slipping me all along.

It's not just the fan mail though. This whole 100th issue thing has really changed things around here at NegativeWaves. Now we are expected to actually listen to the records and play the games we review, plagiarism is suddenly 'frowned upon,' and the Jujubes in the vending machine have been replaced with some horrendous sour gummy candy, which clearly indicates that some of us old-timers are going to get replaced by some snot-nosed members of the Pepsi generation.

Anyway, if you guys are true fans, why don't you write in and call for my head? I have been wanting to get out of here for so long, but if I quit, I can't collect unemployment. After setting multiple fires in NegativeWaves trash cans, defecating in an increasingly wide variety of inappropriate areas, and threatening nearly every member of the staff with violence, I still have my job here. I sometimes wonder if the human resources department has any respect for humanity at all. The way I see it, you guys got me into this mess, and now I need you to get me out.

How would you like it? It's exhausting to have a column, you know? You have to be really really really eloquent and you have to make up all kinds of stories that sound true, because technically, we are a non-fiction publication. And keep in mind; we don't have Jujubes to help us through it anymore. Oh, and by the way, if you decorate your office with a few photographs and life-size cardboard cutouts of your favorite actress, Fertig will make you the butt of every lame joke in his column.

Let me finish this grievance with what's really bothering me. I don't mean to take it out on you guys, I guess. It's just that I have been watching American Idol. I have no shame about it. I love it. You heard me; I love American Idol. I have a favorite contestant and everything. Don't get me wrong, I don't vote or anything. There is a limit to how far Ryan Seacrest can push me. One thing that Seacrest does that consistently puts a smile on my mug is announce the total number of votes, which invariably dwarfs the turnout for the presidential election. But I am mentioning only the good things after promising you some complaining, so allow me to explain how something I love as dearly as American Idol can ruin my life.

The problem is this. American Idol is the second largest commitment I have made in my life next to marriage. The damn show is on three nights a week. Tivo helps, but it does not solve the problem by any means. Take your time getting to the results show, and you can no longer go out in public, turn on the television, radio, or computer, nor answer your telephone without hearing who's head got rolled. Beyond the grueling three show per week schedule, the damn show is on from January to nearly June. My entire life has been hijacked. I mean, I know that you aren't really supposed to say that you are jealous of Guantanimo Bay detainees for a laugh, so I promise you that I am serious when I say that I am jealous of Guantanimo Bay detainees. Obviously, I am not jealous of the entire package, but for the two and a half hours a week that I am stuck watching Fox, I ask you, who is the real torture victim?

That all being said, I really hope that Bo Bice wins. Aside from the fact that he is lame enough to participate in the first place, is that guy the realest or what? If he wins I already have a spot picked out on the wall for a nice poster. Anyway, until that day comes...

Handel, OUT!