A Day at the Zoo
Since I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, I used to go to the Brookfield Zoo a lot as a kid. Actually, I went there pretty frequently right up through college. I like zoos. They help to remind me what a crazy planet we live on. It's easy to pretend you're stranded on some alien planet, surrounded by all sorts of wacky creatures with horns and scales and big tongues. Then it turns out the planet is controlled by humanoid females with large breasts and thigh high boots. They've enslaved the men of the planet, but after I've had crazy sex with the Head Mistress and her entire Inner Circle, I'm able to rise to power. And not being an idiot, I make sure to keep the rest of the planet's men locked in prison. Or maybe I just have them all killed.
It's fun to pretend.
I took a day off a week or so ago and headed back over to Brookfield Zoo. I haven't been there in many years, but I was pretty sure they still had a bunch of animals. The zoo also has beer stands, which is another reason to like going. Looking at giant anteaters is fun, but, like most things in life, it's more fun with beer.
I know that it's summer, and that young children still have this "summer vacation" ritual, but I certainly wasn't prepared for the sheer onslaught of human spawn between myself and the ticket booth. There must have been thousands of them. I felt like I was staring at the Gates of Mordor as wave after wave of drooling, crapping orc-like creatures marched out. All fully accessorized.
I can't believe the amount of crap parents feel is necessary to pack along with the kids. When I was a kid, if we went on an outing anywhere, my parents didn't pack up a mini van with over-priced plastic things. I was lucky if I had a pair of pants and more than one shoe. Parents today must really be hypnotized by the marketing techniques of Corporate America. Every damn family unit was dragging a wagon full of supplies. You would have thought they were getting ready to make the journey along the Trail of Tears.
Why would you bring toys along for a trip to the zoo? The kids should be looking at the animals, not playing with a Shrek doll. If the kids are too young to look at animals, then they're too young to be at the damn zoo.
Apparently the next evolution of mankind is incapable of walking. I'm not sure I saw a single child moving under their own power. Chubby parents seemed all too happy to push or pull their chubby kids along in various wheeled devices. If America is a nation of fatties now, I think the next generation is going to take it up a notch.
All right, enough about the kids. Except for one more thing - I'm also not a fan of dads taking their little daughters into the mens room. Urinating while a five year old girl stares at me is not a terribly comfortable experience.
Luckily, the zoo is a big place, so once I made it past the child refugee camp near the front gates, the crowd thinned to a more manageable level.
 There're two animals at the zoo I can never miss checking out - the Australian bats, and the rhinos.
Rhinos are so damn cool, because they're basically dinosaurs. I can't think of a more prehistoric looking creature. Hippos come pretty close, but they don't have any horns and seem too obese to have much dignity. And if my childhood games have taught me anything, it's that hungry hippos like to eat a lot of marbles.
Male rhinoceri have zig-zaggedy, lightning-bolt shaped penises. You know you're king of your domain when your dick looks like a lightning bolt.
The Australian House at Brookfield Zoo wouldn't really be noteworthy if it wasn't for the bats. I'm still not really sure what a wombat is, but I'm pretty sure we don't need them. The bats, however, are able to fly pretty much anywhere they want within the confines of the building. I always try to get one to fly into my coat pocket, but so far I have had limited success. I figure a pet bat with a 4 foot wingspan flying around my apartment beats the hell out of a guard dog. If some guy sneaks though my window with his crowbar and his black hat, and he sees a giant bat flying at him, he's going to high-tail it right back down the fire escape.
 I was looking forward to seeing the new wolf exhibit, but was pretty disappointed by the fact that the new exhibit seemed to look exactly like the old exhibit. I think the sign had a fresh coat of paint.
And of course, no visit to the zoo is complete without picking up a mold-a-rama on the way out. From what I understand, these hot-wax-injection-mold-vacuum tube things are exclusive to Chicago. If you aren't from the area, here's the deal - you stick in a buck and watch hot wax get shot into a die-cast mold, where it's then pushed down into a cooling bin for you to scoop up at your leisure. All the Chicago zoos and museums have these 50's era machines. The zoos obviously have animal molds, (bears, gorillas, alligators, etc.), but the museums have everything from Abraham Lincoln to the space shuttle.
When I was a kid, I remember barely being able to hold onto the freshly molded hot wax without experiencing searing pain. Now it seems to be barely above room temperature. Either the process has been updated to make it more kid-friendly, or carpel tunnel syndrome has successfully killed all my nerves below my elbows.
Going to the zoo still holds up as a pretty fun was to spend an afternoon. I'll probably go back when the weather cools down and the human larvae are back in school. Maybe I'll drag along my own wagon of supplies. How much beer and cigarettes can fit into a wagon? I bet I can fit a lot.
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