The Loss of a Zippo
A friend and colleague of the Negative Waves staff got married last week. For reasons that I'm still not entirely certain of, the wedding was held in Cape Cod. Thanks to recent changes in Massachusetts' legislation, same-sex marriages are now legal in Cape Cod. Perhaps that was the reason the wedding was held there. Our friend is pretty gay.
Despite a fair amount of traveling across this great land of ours and abroad, I've always been rather vague on the geography of the North Eastern U.S. It's pretty much the one area of America I've never visited, and I'm not really sure what's up there. New York, I guess. Washington D.C. A bunch of little small states that pilgrims live in. An ocean filled with lobsters, whales, and giant kraken.
So our adventure to Cape Cod was launched.
I must comment on the efficiency of the modern airline system. I'm always amazed by airports. The logistics of running an airport seem so much more complicated than those of running a small country. You can now get your boarding pass, check your luggage and pick up your rental car in about 98 seconds. Generally speaking, I like to show up unnecessarily early for a flight because I enjoy the airport bars. I find enjoyment in paying 8 bucks for a beer and watching all the people walk by. Where are they going? Where are they coming from? Why is that man urinating on my leg?
Airports - gotta love them.
I can best summarize Cape Cod as follows: it's just like Northern Wisconsin, but with more assholes. And that ocean.
So what does one do in Cape Cod when you're not marrying your gay lover?
Golf
My view that everybody plays golf in Cape Cod could be skewed, since I was staying in a country club. A lot of people seem to play golf in a country club. I guess because they've all seen Caddyshack. I've never been a big golf guy. It always seemed kind of stupid. I do, however, enjoy virtual golf. Probably because I can play Golden Tee without venturing farther than 12 feet away from a bar.
 Shop for crap
I saw a ton of stores in Cape Cod, but none of them seemed to carry items that would be essential to the survival of the human species. Food, clothing, and portable electronics don't have much importance in the deep woods of Massachusetts. The local economy seems built upon garden statuary. If you need a bunch of giant frogs playing banjos in your backyard, Cape Cod is the place to get them. One of the statuary stores I walked by had a replica of David with a bandana tied around the waist. I guess nobody has penises in Cape Cod.
Croquet
Well, maybe not everybody plays croquet in Cape Cod, but I did. I like croquet. It's like bocci balls with large mallets. I felt like Thor, knocking small balls around the grass with Mjolnir. Mjolnir is Thor's hammer. It will smite whatever it strikes at, and will always return to Thor's hand. I once tried throwing a hammer at somebody. Not only did I fail to smite, but that old lady almost kicked my ass. That kind of stuff never happens to Norse gods.
 Candlepin bowling
The Bowling to Vegas gang had a shot at some Candlepin Bowling. It's kind of like regular bowling, but with croquet balls and skinny pins. Despite the fact you get three throws instead of two, the game is statistically much more difficult than normal bowling. A bit of web research tells me the highest official score is a 240. In keeping with the "Massachusetts is filled with assholes" theory, the proprietor opened the place a half hour late and seemed pretty crabby people actually wanted to pump money into his business. According to his bumper sticker, he also liked Vermont Cheese.
Eating Seafood
I don't trust seafood in most restaurants, Long John Silver being the exception. It always seems like a risky proposition. However, I suppose if you could see the ocean the fish are supposedly being taken from, it's worth a shot. Everything in Cape Cod has lobster shoved into it. I saw lobster BLT's, lobster omelets, a lobster stuffed with another lobster. According to a placemat factoid, lobsters are a cannibalistic race, and will eat each other if they don't have rubberbands on their claws. So how did lobsters survive all these years before mankind stepped in to bring peace to their noble civilization? And by "bring peace", I mean "boil alive and eat". I guess Office Depot and their low prices on office supplies plays a larger role in the planet's evolution than we could have guessed.
Lose their Zippos
I seem to have lost my lighter in Cape Cod. Which is a shame, because it won't find a good home in that part of the country. Smoking is banned pretty much everywhere. So I guess "Not dying of lung cancer" is another Cape Cod activity.
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