In case you haven't noticed, the United States of America is in pretty bad shape right now. The economy's in the crapper, we're probably going to war, the government is warning civilians that there's a "pretty good chance" a dirty-bomb will be going off soon in a city near you, and the rest of the world hates us. Canada hates us. I don't think Canada has ever hated anybody, but now they've managed to hate us. How are we supposed to get that Strange Brew sequel off the ground with Canada mad at us?

It's easy to blame a lot of this on the Bush administration, so I will. I'm a Gore man. Or at least, I was a Gore man. Seems kind of pointless now. He had his flaws, but he was a long-term thinker. Gore actually cares about where the human race will be in a 100 years. Bush seems primarily concerned with making sure he's still getting rides in Air Force One in two years. He likes it when the plane goes up and down real fast·it makes his tummy feel funny.

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However, I have little patience for armchair bellyachers. (Excluding myself, apparently. I do have little patience for myself, but that's mostly related to my habit of throwing pennies at old people). People like to sit around and bitch about the government. Either the government's doing too much, or the government's doing too little. The whole reason a government exists is to provide an infrastructure and sense of stability to a culture and/or region. A government exists to take care of the people that established it. That requires walking a thin line of involvement. The fact is, it ain't easy.

But it's a lot easier to complain than to do anything. You don't like how things are working? Put down that Big Mac and do something about it. Lobby for your cause. Vote for your politicians. Become an eco-terrorist. Run for President. This is America. Nothing's stopping you. Put up or shut up.

I'm not thrilled with the way things are going, but I have no excuse to sit around and whine about it. Since I'm definitely not part of the solution, I'm probably part of the problem. I would find it very hard indeed to argue that I'm a useful member of society.

Since my moral code forbids my bellyaching (for today anyway), and since I'm too lazy to actually do anything about it, my only choice is to move to another country. I figure I better get out soon, since I have eczema and can't get the smallpox vaccination.

What country? Tough call. Immigration policies and visa availabilities aside, here are my top choices.

Norway
I've actually been to Norway. I love it. I actually love the whole Scandinavian region. As my few friends are certainly sick of hearing, my goal is to get rich and build a castle in Norway. Apparently my goal also involves getting rich by drinking scotch and playing video games til 3AM every night. Regardless, we're talking about a country that has rugged terrain, a great educational system, banned the Power Rangers, and walked out of the Kyoto talks because the U.S. refused to cut back on greenhouse emissions. I'm also convinced that I'm really a Viking. It's possible. It's also quite possible I'm a Leprechaun, but that's nowhere near as cool. Just a little creepier.

Japan
I've never been there, but if pop culture has taught me one thing, it's that Japan is basically just like Blade Runner/Black Rain/any William Gibson novel. Flying cars, chips in my brain, lots of rain and neon, and hot Asian girls. Hot Asian girls dressed as schoolgirls. Hot Asian girls dressed as strippers dressed as schoolgirls. What other country can I walk around in a slick suit with a samurai sword strapped to my back? You can do that in Tokyo, right?

Canada
All right, so they hate us now. Just because we dropped some bombs on their boys and don't want to acknowledge the fact that maybe we screwed up. But I can probably hide my American traits and blend in with Canadian society. I'd just have to wear a lot of flannel and listen to Gordon Lightfoot all the time. If I did the Canadian thing, I'd probably be a mountain man. I guess I'd be called a "Trapper". Living off the land, making my clothes from the skins of wildebeests that I trapped. Bear, cougar, spider monkeys, etc. I'm assuming I'd still have a broadband connection, of course.

Greece
I don't have any real reason to live in Greece, except that I was there over Christmas and learned enough Greek to be able to order myself beer, coffee, and cigarettes. I can't imagine what else I would need. Perhaps I can sneak into the country with the proud young Olympians. I'll pose as a track and field guy. I always thought the pole vault looked kind of fun. I always had a soft spot for Olympic events that look like they're based on old Warner Brothers cartoons. Or maybe I could compete in the Gymkata event.

Morocco
I was at the dentist's the other day (I'm always at the dentist·apparently my teeth are made of pudding) and my dentist had a big TV in the dental room. It was tuned into AMC, which was playing Havana with Robert Redford. Apparently my dentist also got a new video camera for Christmas·some tiny thing that goes into my mouth and is operated by foot controls. This allows me to watch TV and see the gaping holes being drilled into my last remaining teeth. Very unsettling. Anyway, I'd never seen Havana, but I couldn't help thinking how cool Robert Redford looked, sitting in a Cuban bar playing cards and smoking. In my ultimate coolest possible moment, I could never look that cool. However, I'm scared of Cuba, so I'm thinking I could try to pull the same thing off in Morocco. Do the whole Casablanca thing. I'd get to wear a hat and smoke and play cards all day. Is Morocco still a real country? It gets pretty hard to keep track of what's going on with political geography in Africa, Eastern Europe, and West Virginia. I'm just a stupid American. No wonder the rest of the world hates us.