I don't leave my apartment often, so when I do, I like to make a production out of it. Last month I felt the desperate need for a change of scenery, so I went to Greece for two weeks over Christmas. It seemed like a good idea. I've spent 32 Christmases in the States...I've never had a Christmas in Greece.

Greece is more or less the birthplace of Western Civilization, but the country suffers from a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately syndrome. Hoping to remind the rest of the planet that Greece has not, in fact, slowly sunk beneath the ocean waves, the country somehow managed to win the bid for the 2004 Olympics. Which seems fitting, since the first Olympics were held in Greece. In 1896, I think. I'm not going to fact check this, so if I'm wrong, just let it slide. No need for dozens of nasty emails.

I kept my visit to the mainland. I have friends in Athens, and very little happens in the islands during the winter season. Which is fine with me...I've seen the Wild On E! specials. I don't need to travel halfway across the world to see a bunch of drunken oafs and slutty chicks. Also, I really don't enjoy sitting around a beach. I don't care for heat, water, sun, sand, or anything that may be loosely associated with fun and relaxation.

Thankfully a friend met me at the airport in Athens, because English is not as predominant as I expected. As an American, I simply assume the rest of the world will do whatever it takes to accommodate me. My taxi driver didn't speak a word of English, and asked my friend why she was bringing a pirate home from the airport. I wasn't even wearing my pirate outfit. I guess my grubby American look is heavily associated with acts of piracy in Europe. That's fine with me. I'd be happier if he said I looked like a SPACE pirate, but I'll take any kind of pirate I can get.

My grubby American look definitely tagged me as an outsider. Along with my facial hair and circumcised penis. I must have looked suspicious, because every damn shopkeeper scanned my money with some ultraviolet device. One lady actually pulled the machine out of a drawer and plugged it in just to make sure my 5 Euro bill wasn't counterfeit.

Any thing you might have heard about Athens being over-populated and polluted is pretty much dead on. Within 24 hours, the maid stole a 100 bucks from my wallet, I beat the hell out of my rental car, got completely lost in a city with no concept of the grid system, and got scammed into buying lots of incredibly expensive drinks for a bunch of Russian strippers. And a five star hotel in Athens rates about 3 stars on the US scale.

So I hate Athens.

A note about driving in Athens. Actually, about driving in Greece. I'm a pretty good driver. In 16 years of city driving, cross country driving and motorcycle driving I've never caused an accident. On an RPG scale, I'd say I rank at maybe a 28th level Driver. After two weeks in Greece, I've accumulated enough experience points to jump to a 36th level Driver. And you know, the farther up you go, the harder it is to move up a level. But now I can fire off several fireballs with very little cost to my mana.

Starting with Athens...imagine the narrowest street you can imagine. Now put parked cars on both sides. Now cut that space in half. Add about a 100 motorcycles, pedestrians, and crazy European drivers, all in a very big hurry to get to a coffee shop so they can smoke and look Eurotrashy. People park anywhere they want, people drive anywhere they want. There is no distinction between street and sidewalk...if the car fits, it must belong there. Thank god I got the full insurance package on that rental Hyundai, cause I gave it a few battle scars. I also got to drive in Athens during the biggest rainstorm/flood the city has seen in about ten years. FYI, there is no drainage system in Greece.

Greek highways are basically a two-lane affair, but a lot of use is made of the shoulder. Once you get into the rhythm of passing and/or being passed, it's not so bad. It makes for a very interactive driving experience. A lot of construction is being done in preparation for the Olympics, so some nice, new multi-lane highways have been added to the Greek transportation network. Even with the addition of more lanes, a lot of Greeks still seem to enjoy driving on the shoulder. They're a very traditional folk.

My first experience with the mountain roads was at night, driving up to find lodging in a mountain village. Narrow roads, hairpin turns, no guard-rails, and about 6 inches of dirt between the tires and a sheer mile-high drop. I noticed little structures built alongside the road. They looked like mailboxes or birdhouses, except they seemed to be modeled after churches. A few even had candles burning in them. The higher up into the mountain I got, especially after the snow line, these cute little buildings started popping up around every turn. I asked my friend what they were. She told me that whenever somebody drives off the road and dies, the family builds a little church on the spot where the car took a plunge. Wonderful.

The mountains were nice though. Very scenic and relaxing. Drinking Nescafe, chain-smoking, and looking over the ocean. And there were goats.

I spent a lot of time looking at ruins. Greece has a lot of ruins, as you may have heard. It's pretty cool to be walking around a major city and seeing columns dating from 5 BC just sitting there. On the flip side, a lot of the historic sites consist of a bunch of rocks outlining a square in the ground. All the books and brochures make a big deal about how that used to be a palace or something. And look! That rock was where the gymnasium stood! I appreciate the historic importance, I guess, but I prefer my ruins to be large and towering.

To compensate for the rock piles, I visited some forts in the town of Knopflio, a couple hours southwest of Athens. I like climbing around old forts and castles, because such structures play a large part in my fantasy life.

The flip side to Ancient Greece would be Eurotrash Greece. Here in the U.S., you wouldn't see a mom with her kids at a restaurant. Well you would, but she wouldn't be wearing leather pants and chainsmoking. And looking kind of hot at the same time. Generally speaking, the girls in Greece aren't any more attractive than in the States, they just dress in tighter pants. So they look skankier. Which maybe is a good thing. I'm still thinking about that. The guys dress in tight pants too, but that's because they're all gay.

Greece is way ahead of us in cell phone technology and network television porn. In between commercial breaks, I saw four topless girls having a pillow fight. Four girls. Pillow fight. Breasts. The local news is filled with close-ups of cleavage and girls shaking their coochies.

We have so much to learn from this proud civilization.

And everybody smokes. All the time. Restaurants, coffee shops, and offices are filled with a carcinogen haze. The fitness club in my one crappy hotel had an ashtray in it. People smoke while they eat. Seeing as how I wanted to blend in, I did my best to keep up. But after two weeks of that, I really wish somebody would invent a lung brush. I'm still coughing up charcoal and tar. Also a little bit of blood, but I think that's an unrelated issue.

Thankfully, Greece has done a good job of resisting Western culture. Aside from a couple McDonalds, Athens has not fallen to prey to the borg-like infestation of American franchises. I hear they have a Starbucks now, but you can't smoke in it, so I don't see how that will survive.

Despite my distaste for Athens, Greece is a nice place. The landscapes are spectacular, the people seemed relatively friendly, the beer is cheap, and they have bowling alleys. I'll be surprised if the country actually ramps up in time to accommodate the hordes of international visitors for the Olympics, but I certainly wish them the best of luck.