Death of a Network
The Baby Boomers are starting to die out, and nature abhors a vacuum. But despite the fact that ranks of aging gamers and tech geeks continue to swell and fill part of the void, this demographic group gets sorely ignored by the television networks. Marketing geniuses seem to assume there's nobody alive on the planet's surface between the ages of 18 and 55. In a bloated cable/dish network environment, where channels are dedicated to the military, childrens' sports, country music, and even golf, one might wonder, "Why isn't there a technology station?"
"But wait", you might be saying to yourself. "Isn't there that G4 channel?"
Well, there used to be. In fact, there used to be two such tech channels.
A couple of years ago, Chicago had access to one of two tech stations, depending on your cable provider. RCN carried TechTV, Comcast had G4. I was a Comcast guy, and before G4 launched, I was always checking for the initial air date. I'd call Comcast every other day to see when the damn channel was going to start showing up on my television. A whole station dedicated to video games? Suddenly everything else in life seemed meaningless in comparison. Sunshine seemed dimmer, food tasted bland, porn·well, porn never really lost its magic.
That was then. This is now, and "now" always sucks more than "then".
G4 has run through its life cycle, starting out as a network for people with some intelligence and interest in the tech field, and ending as a generic station for brain damaged 14 year olds. Here's the breakdown of G4's life span.
Stage One - Somewhat awkward birth, perhaps a breech?
The station started with a limited line-up, and some of the shows had some pretty low production value, but still a lot of content for any serious gamers.
Judgment Day/Electric Playground
The smartest thing G4 did was rent out these shows from Canadian-based Greedy Productions. Judgment Day focused on game reviews, Electric Playground on general goings-on in the industry. I was a total Judgment Day junkie. I would literally schedule my day around airings of the show. Obviously, my days are pretty easy to schedule. Not too hard to work around a day filled with eating sandwiches and peeking in the neighbor's windows.
Both shows are hosted by Victor Lucas and Tommy Tallarico. Tallarico is a composer who has orchestrated music to a billion video games, on every system from the 3DO to the Xbox. Victor Lucas is a likeable Canadian who created Greedy Productions, and seems to be known and respected throughout the game industry. To be honest, I have a non-sexual crush on this guy. He just seems like the kind of guy I'd want to grab some beers with. Maybe we could take a road trip to Vegas together, have some sort of adventure that bonds us for life. Until one of us tragically dies at the end of the trip. Preferably him.
G4TV.com
A panel-discussion/call-in show about the latest developments in the game industry. Started out being hosted by Scott Rubin, Laura Foy and Tina Wood. Rubin was old school, having run the web-based All Games Network in the 90s, and eventually ended up working for Comcast and helped to structure G4. Foy and Wood provided some under-age eye candy, and certainly should not be underrated for their gaming knowledge, but Rubin kept the show grounded for us older viewers. Still, the question always remained - where do these cute little gamer chicks hang out? And am I allowed to go there?
Game On
Basically two comedians doing a lot of on-the-road stuff, usually featuring strippers playing video games. Good stuff. I actually have the entire season on tape somewhere. Like I said, it had strippers playing video games.
Icons
A show that featured behind-the-scenes background on the big name developers and franchises
Stage 2 - The Merger - Hormone filled adolescence, with some sexual experimentation.
In summer 2004, Comcast bought out TechTV, and for a while this was a good thing. They merged the two lineups together, so now the station was a healthy mix of videogame shows and tech shows.
The Screensavers
A long-standing staple on TechTV, the show was fairly serious about its subject matter. Segments based on modding, hacking, tech support, OS updates, etc. I always learned a thing or two watching this.
X-Play
Another game-review show, X-Play was less serious than Judgment Day - not a bad thing, especially since co-host Morgan Webb is simply gorgeous, and I'm pretty sure she has a secret crush on me. Adam Sessler, the other co-host, is a pretty funny guy who definitely has a crush on me. The show would intersperse reviews with little comic sketches and what-have you.
Stage 3 - The mind starts to go, and there was a snapping sound - probably a hip
Comcast decides to make some changes to the line-up. By "changes", I mean "making the station more accessible to fat, drooling retards".
Attack of the Show
After Comcast moved "The Screensavers" from San Francisco to L.A., a gradual dumbing down of the show started to take place. The older, knowledgeable tech guys either didn't want to do the move or were simply asked to stay behind on the ice floe. Kevin Rose, a young kid who I think may have been responsible for the show in the first place, mysteriously disappears into the fog. Eventually the name was changed to "Attack of the Show", because that sounds so much more aggressive. It's "attacking".
G4TV.com
Scott Rubin becomes another network casualty. A rotation of goofball guest-hosts start to appear along with Tina and Laura. And I don't care how spectacular Unreal Tournament is, and how beloved its lead designer Cliffy B. is - I maintain my stance that the kid needs to be beat down with a sack full of doorknobs. Mainly because he's younger, hipper and more successful than myself. Fuck that guy.
X-Play
Focus shifts from actual game reviews to a ridiculously large amount of lame-ass sketches. Even the hosts are starting to look embarrassed. Morgan Webb still looks really hot though.
Street Fury
For some reason, G4 decides that what a tech station really needs is a show about street cars and hip hop. Painfully awkward and horribly produced.
Fastlane
To round its "shows that having nothing to with video games or technology" block, G4 syndicates all 5 episodes of "Fastlane". For those of you not familiar with the show, it's a rip-off of "The Fast and The Furious". Same concept as cloning a steaming pile of dog shit.
The Man Show
G4 picks up old Man Show re-runs, obviously showing little concern in maintaining any sort of programming continuity.
Stage 4 - The bowels release as death settles in
Attack of the Show
Gone are the days of any actual knowledge or information being presented on the show. With almost the entire original cast gone, only original PC-geek Sarah Lane remains, and her role has been recast as "the annoying blonde who I think used to date the guy that was kicked off the show". Kevin Pereira, the new host who has been bounced around to almost every show on the network, seems likeable and intelligent, and it's a shame to see him stuck on this crapper. They also added a total douche-bag, Brendan Moran, to round out the panel. Not only is Brendan a complete tool, he has no respect for the geek culture, which really signifies the direction this network has taken. I caught an episode where Moran was blatantly mocking Dungeons & Dragons - how can he host a geek show, and not respect the pantheon of Gary Gygax?
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Not even trying to be subtle about its attempt to become SpikeTV, G4 has also syndicated TNG, and plays it twice a day.
G4TV.com
After a brief return to maturity by adding co-host Geoff Keighley, a Greedy Productions guy that also writes for Entertainment Weekly and Business 2.0, the show is cancelled.
Judgment Day
Last week, the show that, in my humble opinion was the tent pole of the network, gets cancelled.
We're living in a society where everybody's Loboted up to computers and ipods and things with flashing lights. Let's consider that the game industry is pulling in billions of dollars, and the average age of gamers is starting to push 30. (I'm a few years past that bell curve, but I'm baby-faced). I find it hard to believe there's not a profitable market for a station built for this demographic. If the Women's Entertainment Network can survive by playing "A League of Their Own" and "As Good As It Gets" in constant rotation, how hard can running a station be? I've seen "UHF" about a 100 times, so I know it can be done.
Unfortunately, due to a serious amount of bad decisions I've made in my life, I can't bankroll starting up my own network. If somebody had bothered to tell me that an addiction to booze, hookers and water polo would be expensive, things might be different.
But if anybody out there wants to get a tech station started, and wants to pay me to stand around and yell at people - give me a ring. I'll fight the good fight, until they pull my sandwich from my bloody hand.
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