Girlfriend Guide

So not long ago, I got myself a girlfriend.

Surprisingly, it's much easier to do than you might think. Just go to the grocery store and ram your shopping cart into the cart of a girl to whom you're moderately attracted. If you're able to strike up a conversation, great! If not, let the girl go about her shopping and just ram someone else. If you spend enough time there, eventually you're gonna ram a girl who will go out with you.

This isn't the way I found mine though. I kidnapped and drugged my girlfriend and used mind controlling devices and various water tortures until she finally cracked and consented to go steady. Of course, she has no recollection of these events, a credit to the advances in the field of suggestive manipulation.

Of course, I'm joking. Actually, my girlfriend and I dated for over a year. It was sort of an on-again, off-again type of thing where we became such good friends that it was difficult not to take this step. Now I've had girlfriends in the past, but I'll admit that it's been a couple years since I've been in a "relationship." I have to admit that there are a lot of things that I've forgotten. For example, did you know that girlfriends don't like it when you slip your phone number to other girls at parties? Yeah! It's true. They look at it as quite a negative action.

I've also come to realize that girlfriends don't really like to be called, "my bitch." As in, "Hey Uncle Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my bitch." Apparently they like to be addressed by their name.

Good: "One moment, Father, let me ask my girlfriend if she'd like to join us for dinner tonight. [Aside] Darling, my parents have invited us to dine with them, would you find this scenario acceptable?"

Bad: "Yeah, I'll come up for the game, Dad. Especially if you're rockin' some steaks. I suppose I should see if what's-'er-name wants to come. [Aside] Yo beeotch, grab me a beer, will ya? Yeah, Dad, she'll come."

I learned that one the hard way.

But really, it comes down to the little things that make so much of a difference. Opening doors, putting the toilet seat down at her place, making her dinner, rubbing her back, rubbing her feet, going to movies she likes, picking up the phone when she calls, not sleeping with her best friends, using a fork to eat your salad when you meet her mother, telling her she looks pretty, buying her flowers, actually feeding her cats when you take care of them. You know, the little things.

I'm only a few short weeks into the actual boyfriend/girlfriend aspect of the relationship and I'm realizing that there are a lot of things that I wish I'd been warned about before hand. I really could have used a smattering of helpful tips and reminders about how to behave now that I have a girlfriend. I'm pretty much learning on the fly, which is difficult. Therefore, since I know that so many of you might find yourselves in similar situations, I'm going to provide for you a special treat: Mikey's Guide to Getting AND KEEPING A New Girlfriend.

• Remember your basic hygiene. It's vital to do the silly things like brush your teeth, shower, wear deodorant and pants, brush your hair, blow your nose, and for god's sake, wipe your ass when you're done.
• Stay up to date on current events. Girls sort of like to know that the guy they're with can talk to them about things in the news. In a twisted sort of way this makes them feel protected. Women, though they outwardly will make you believe that they can take care of themselves, actually want and need a man who they know will be able to provide and protect. And a man who is aware of who the president is will know that the country is in trouble and will take the necessary action to provide some sort of protection for the future when the country is ravaged by bird flu, White Sox fans, and Dick Cheney's evil band of guerilla warriors.
• Don't chew with your mouth open. Chicks hate it when they're talking to you and all they can see is the mastication of mashed potatoes, corn bread, BBQ chicken, grilled onions, asparagus, and purple horseshoes that you just shoveled into your mouth. Plus, you sound like an epileptic horse.
• Open doors for her. Nothing kills a romantic mood more than yanking open a door and plowing through it yourself leaving it to swing closed with more power and velocity than you could ever have anticipated, knocking your date from her feet and rendering her unconscious.
• Never abandon a woman if she becomes rendered unconscious. Especially if it's your fault.
• If you've had a couple dates with the same girl, it's okay to want to hold her hand, or for her to want to hold yours. However, you must recognize the difference between the go ahead to hold hands and the go ahead to grab her breasts. There's a fine line here and crossing it can cost you a perfectly good relationship.
• Stop sleeping with skanks from the bar. If you've managed to get yourself into a relationship or if you're on the cusp of one, you've got to stop taking home every drunk, easy chick who'll talk to you. Girls don't like this for some reason.
• It's important to tell them how important sandwiches are to you. It's better for them to recognize now that one of the greatest things you could ever come home to would be to find them laying naked on the coffee table with a hoagie on their chest and Baywatch playing on the television. However, accept the fact that the time might come where you'll have to clean the bathroom in their panties while they watch the shirtless, sweaty gardener work in the yard.
• If you have a porn collection, it's important to come clean about it off the bat. Ultimately, they probably won't care because most women know that all dudes have some porn stashed somewhere, but they'll love to give you shit about it for a few weeks while laughing with their friends behind your back. Plus, you never know, they just might be into it.
• Never assume that they'll like you to lead them around with a dog collar and leash. You sort of need to work up to this one.
• When you meet her parents, you might want to avoid such phrases as, "Damn, baby, you never told me your mom had such huge jugs!" Or, "It's a pleasure to finally meet my baby's real daddy. 'Cause at our house, I'm the daddy, know what I'm sayin'?"
• Girlfriends don't like to be used as excuses for things. For example, don't let her hear you calling your boss and saying something like, "Yeah, I'm sorry I'm gonna be late this morning, my girlfriend is having a particularly heavy period and bled all over the dog."
• When out at a bar or restaurant with your new girl, be careful not to overreact if she talks to a strange man. It's okay, in fact, it's probably necessary, to behave properly. If you come back from the bathroom and you find her talking with an unknown man, you should quickly sneak up behind the man and give him a super-hard open handed smack over both of the ears. While he's trying to recover from the ringing and stinging, sucker punch him in the nose, kick him in the nuts, knee him in the face, and throw him to the ground and step on his throat. When your girlfriend stops screaming enough to tell you that you're standing on her brother, apologize, help him up, and offer to buy him a drink. She'll be overwhelmed with passion at your display of machismo, and touched at your ability to apologize with sincerity.

I think that's a pretty good helping of pointers, suggestions, tips, and can't miss ideas. Remember, having a girlfriend is not only fun, but it can also be rewarding too. You just have to know how to manipulate situations into your favor, that's all. Chicks like that sort of stuff. I'm pretty sure it's a scientific fact.

Read Mikey's brand new personal blog at www.mike.wordpress.com.