The Man Handel Amazing Pie Diet!!! ®
Good news, fatties. I have developed a fad diet. After long and careful consideration, I feel I am right to focus my get rich quick energy into the self-help health care arena. One must, in choosing a get rich quick scheme, resist the temptation to skip the all important steps of empirical data collection, regression analysis, and pie-chart creation. It was the final step that indirectly revealed my pot of gold. Pie-chart creation was a real weakness of mine for most of my life. I suffered all of the common problems; I made some slices too small while others were too large, I had trouble drawing perfect circles, I was easily distracted by cravings for real pie. I never knew that my weakness could turn to strength until the latter shortcoming let me to the site of my epiphany.
Wandering into the House of Pies here in Los Angeles after a frustrating attempt to clearly present data graphically, America's greatest untapped resource was staring me in the face. There were fat people everywhere. All types, from the slightly overweight to the morbidly obese, were enjoying tasty pieces of pie. I decided right then and there to take full advantage of those poor bastards. Why not separate them from their money by promising to solve their problems without imposing any inconvenience on them? All that was left to do was to learn their likes and dislikes. Data collection time!!!
I quickly set up a makeshift office in the largest booth in the back. Promises of free pie drew fat people to my booth. I knew I might take a bath, but one has to spend money to make money. Through a series of questions, I attempted to best determine a diet design that would appeal to the greatest number of potential dieters.
During the process I felt great fear. Patterns did not seem to be developing. No two people even ordered the same pie filling. I was working on a $300 pie tab and I felt farther away from my answer than when I started. How was I ever going to recoup my investment?
By the time I got home, I was defeated. I owe a debt of gratitude to the great many friends, including the editor of this very publication, who encouraged me to do a regression analysis even though I was convinced it would reveal nothing. Charting my data resulted in a tremendous surprise. Yes, there were several questions that showed no unification, such as favorite flavor of pie. However, a key finding jumped out at me almost immediately. Indeed, a line of best fit was telling me that nearly every single one of these people were interested in losing weight without the aid of exercise. Further exploration uncovered a distinct unwillingness to change eating habits as well. I had my answer!!!
Anyway, my book 'Eat Your Way To A Leaner You!' will be available through this website shortly. It includes a 3 meal per day diet chart for the entire month. Allow me to start you off with what you should be eating on the first of next month, and when you purchase the book, you can fill in the rest. See you later, slim!
1st of the month:
Breakfast: ¸ king size snicker bar, 1 egg
Lunch: Steak sandwich
Dinner: A salad with beans in it
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