Four Wheels of Domesticity

I drove my car today.

That simple sentence may not seem extraordinary to the average U.S. citizen, but it's quite a feat for me. I haven't owned a car in ten years. I live and work in Chicago, a bustling metropolis with a thorough network of trains, buses, cabs, and friends that have cars.

My last car was a 1985 Ford Escort constructed mostly of duct tape and papier-mache. It was an odd color red, vaguely resembling a large rotten tomato. I had it towed away in exchange for the tidy sum of forty dollars. I spent the majority of my high school and college years either repairing my cars or pushing them out of intersections. I once had the transmission fail on my '79 Buick Regal, a grand beast of a car that drove me to nearly every state in this country. Finally stuck with reverse being the only working gear, I actually managed to drive it backwards through several major intersections before careening into a ditch.

So I swore off cars. I decided that until I had the option of buying a nice, new car of my choosing, I would simply abstain. I did, however, crack the combustion vehicle chastity belt with the purchase of a motorcycle about eight years ago. Perhaps a foolish purchase, since I had never driven a motorcycle. I never even drove a car with a manual transmission. I had to have a friend drive it home from the dealer for me. I would wake up at 4AM to practice riding around the city streets. I fell down a lot.

But the earth is round, so eventually everything in life comes back around and smashes into itself. I found myself needing a car for things like client meetings, family gatherings, and trips to Best Buy. And because I live in the aforementioned city, it seemed pretty silly to keep a motorcycle AND a car. So I did my part to keep the universe in balance - sold the bike, got a car.

I picked up one of those Dodge Calibers. I thought it looked angry. I loaded up extras onto the RT version, which gave me some horsepower and All Wheel Drive, just in case I have to drive up a glacier. Or maybe down a glacier, depending who's chasing me.

But I do miss the bike. Mainly, I miss looking so damn cool on the bike. Chicks dug the bike, or so I kept telling myself. However, you can't pick a girl up for a date on a motorcycle during a Chicago winter. This is why I didn't date during the winter. I don't really have an excuse for not dating during the summer, but perhaps it's related to the fact I tend to burst into flames when exposed to sunlight.

While the car is infinitely more practical, the bike did have its advantages. Here's my rundown on the whole car vs. motorcycle thing.

Zombie Attack
Motorcycle survival: Strap a shotgun and a sword on your back, ride and shoot until you reach the sanctuary of the open road. Maneuverable, but easy to wipe out on streets made slippery from brains and intestines.

Car survival: Keep those windows rolled up and run over anything that shambles. Safer, but hope you don't get stuck in a narrow alley or ditch. Also, there's a good possibility there's a zombie hiding in the back seat that will grab you at the most dramatically suitable moment.

Getting Across Town In Rush Hour To Stop A Bomb From Exploding And Killing Somebody Relatively Important
Motorcycle: Good for riding on sidewalks and jumping over buses/trucks/sharks. If you're lucky, maybe a good chance for a speeding off a building and grabbing onto a helicopter.

Car: Good for driving wrong way on a highway or through a tunnel. If you're lucky, an opening drawbridge will give you the chance for a nice slow-motion, multiple camera action opportunity.

Best Movie Scene
Motorcycle: Jim Belushi driving up stairs and crashing through doors to stop Rae Dawn Chong from getting raped in The Principal. Rarely do I see stairs without wishing I had an excuse to ride a motorcycle up them. Or a woman to push down.

Car: License To Drive - Corey Haim driving to the hospital in reverse because his mom is in labor. Quite the example of finesse driving. He did a much better job than I could ever hope to do.

Coolest Instance in Film or Television
Motorcycle: Jet-bikes from "Megaforce". (runner-up: Blade's bike in the first film.)

Car: Bluesmobile. (runner-up: Blade's car in the first film.)

Best Video Game
Motorcycle: Jet Moto 3. All right, not technically a motorcycle game, but pretty close. You're driving motorcycles, they just happen to fly and have magnetic grapples. I always wanted to make a Jet Moto movie, but I didn't, because I lack discipline and will never amount to anything.

Car: Spy Hunter. Not the fancy 3D remake. The old-school, top-down arcade game. Unfortunately, somebody did make a movie of this starring The Rock. It should be coming out soon. Hopefully, like the Doom franchise, this game will manage to not be tainted by a crappy movie starring The Rock.